This post was inspired to me by the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by ….
I’m a nice guy.
I’ve always been one since I was little.
Cause? My childhood upbringing and social conditioning of being Asian in white man’s land. See, I remember when I was 5, I got teased at for the first time by kids making racist remarks. Damn that hurt. After that, I vowed I’d never experience that humility, embarrassment, or pain again. So, I decided I would try to be invisible and please everyone. I thought if I could stick to the shadows, no one will notice me. If I could please everyone, they would like me and won’t talk bad about me.
And with that, after years of repetitive habits and conditioning, my upbringing has led me to having the Nice Guy syndrome.
Symptoms? See the following:
Nice Guy Symptoms
- A giver, fixer, care-taker, approval seeker and a conflict avoider.
- He will go to great lengths to hide mistakes and flaws and will always seek the “right” way to do things.
- He represses his feelings and has difficulties making his needs a priority
- They believe that if they are good, giving and caring they will be happy and fulfilled – this isn’t true. When a Nice Guy doesn’t get anything back on his investments, he becomes resentful. It’s like chasing a girl, and if she doesn’t want sex, we’ll call her a bitch.
Nice guys are not nice.
- He is dishonest and says what he believes people want to hear.
- He hides his true intention.
- He uses manipulations instead of asking for what he wants directly.
- He is controlling.
- He only gives to get and gets frustrated when he isn’t appreciated.
- He is passive-aggressive and full of rage.
- He can’t set boundaries and say “No!”
Questions to see if you’re a nice guy
Do any of the following statements ring true for how you operate in the world?
- Essentially everything that I do is, in some way, a calculated effort in order to get people to like me.
- I’m a pretty easy going person. I don’t like to rock the boat.
- I’m not good at handling it when other people are upset with me.
- I’m generally more in my head. My emotions are not very readily accessible to me.
- Most of my closest friends are women.
- I think that I am different than most men.
- I’m not good at making my needs a priority. I tend to put other people before myself.
- I tend to only be happy if my partner is happy. And I often blame myself if they are in a bad mood.
- I’m not an angry person – I have a lot of repressed anger inside of me.
- I have difficulty saying no to people – I have a difficult time letting others down.
How to Stop the Nice Guy Syndrome
You start to become an Integrated Male.
What is this?
- He has a strong sense of self and likes himself.
- He takes care of his needs.
- He is comfortable in his masculinity and sexuality.
- He is a leader.
- He values integrity.
- He expresses his feelings in a very direct fashion.
- He sets clear boundaries and sticks to them.
- He is not afraid of conflict.
- He accepts his flaws and being imperfect.
The core principle of an integrated male is authenticity. Authenticity is not only speaking your mind in any given situation, but it is also going for what you want. Your thoughts, words, and actions are all congruent, and you are living the way that you think and say you should live!
Being authentic, being comfortable in your masculinity and sexuality, being honest and having clear boundaries will get you the respect from some people and the hate from others
People will call you egoistic for having a strong sense of self and taking care of your needs first. They will call you arrogant for liking yourself. They will call you rude when you are honest and when you express your feelings directly.
If you didn’t care what people thought about you, how would you live your life?
If you weren’t concerned with getting the approval of women, how would your relationships be different?
When you are living for someone else, you will often feel the need to do one of the above things to explain why your actions were not in their best interests. However, you need to remember that their actions are never in your best interests! – Defend, Explain, Excuse and Rationalize your actions.
Make yourself a priority and live for your own dreams and desires – if it comes down to taking the promotion to please your friends and family or packing up and backpacking the world to please yourself, always go with what will leave you happy and fulfilled
I’ve had important projects that needed to be finished asap, but I had to put it on hold to pick up a drunk friend or to spend time with a girl who complained I didn’t hang out with them enough.
Another example of me trying to please someone is dropping this person at the airport. Yeah, it’s a nice gesture, but when I know I will never see them again (mainly because they pissed me off and there’s no turning back), I still offered to take them to the airport. That’s 1.5 hours of my life I’m never getting back.
Fuck being nice. I’m gonna do things that I want.
How to Stop Being a Nice Guy Without Being An Asshole
1. Be Selfish and Make Your Needs a Priority.
A nice guy is so worried about pleasing people that he forgets to satisfy what he wants and needs. He believes it’s bad to have your own needs. The belief, if you hide your needs, then no one will abandon you, in return makes you extremely needy.
2. Don’t Feel Bad When Someone Helps You
Since nice guys are so committed to helping people, it makes them also bad and uncomfortable at receiving. Don’t feel bad when someone offers to help you or offers some food or drink to you. Take it and say THANKS.
3. Express Your Desires and Stop Avoiding Confrontation
Realize that no one but yourself is responsible for meeting your needs. Stop blaming and start taking actions. Be assertive about your needs and get rid of the hidden agenda. Never be a wimp and never act like a victim.
If you want something, have the courage to ask for it.
If you don’t agree on something, say it.
If it goes against your morals and principals, say it and don’t budge.
Don’t try to make a bad relationship work. End it and find somebody more suitable for you.
4. Set Boundaries
Nice Guys often believe that not having boundaries, being overly tolerant and accepting everything his partner does is a beneficial strategy for relationships. Nice Guys often learn the hard way this isn’t true.
You will need boundaries in order to strengthen the relationship! It is a need for you and for her. Boundaries equal respect and women desire a partner who sets boundaries.
If a man stands up to his woman, he will stand up for his woman. Only when you have boundaries, a woman can feel safe in your presence.
Apply the “second date rule.” Ask yourself:
“If this behavior would have appeared on the second date, would there be a third date?”
5. Learn To Be Alone
Nice guys are validation seekers from people and girls. If you’re alone, there’s no one to prove to. You will overcome that fear of loneliness and isolation. You will learn that there is no need to stay in bad or intolerable relationships, and have addictive habits like alcohol, sex, food, or keeping yourself unnecessarily busy.
6. Take Risks
Nice guys like to play it safe. Why? Because of fear of looking bad and messing things up. To prevent it, I’ve avoided doing anything or telling the truth, that might make me look bad. Fuck the fear. I’m gonna take more risks and not give a crap about the image it will set if I fail.
No matter what happens, I will handle it.